The Boot of Shame – Part 2!
Updated: June 14, 2013
Yesterday , in The Boot of Shame – Part 1 I humbly shared my experience of the motorcycle accident that set my latest life awareness in motion.
Today I’d like to share the next steps of this wonderfully mindful (and yet most days mind-numbingly frustrating) journey.
When the doctors told me (ok, more like ordered me) to stay in bed I hadn’t realized how much I was in denial. Not about the severity of my injuries, but of what it meant to be still—not the kind of still we get to in meditation (that I’ve mastered)—not the kind you fit in and then go back to your busy life.
I had been in denial about how deep my entire being was infused with the narrative that if I was not being creative, being busy, being productive, giving to others and working very, very hard, that I was not allowed to exist at all, let alone relax and heal. Truly it was my dirty little secret.
How dare that story live inside me – I declared!
Writing about it in my journal and discussing it with a few close friends while I was on the fly, refusing to slow down one iota was my way of identifying the seductive little character flaw and accepting it, but in complete denial of having done nothing about it.
And so, for some reason after hanging up the phone lamenting my truly horrific injuries with a friend, I decided to walk down the stairs.
That sounds relatively normal yes? You’re hungry, it’s supper, the kitchen is not near the bedroom, which means some kind of trip will have to take place to get close to the food. However, I was in a leg brace, one leg so swollen I couldn’t bend it without fainting, my dominant hand sprained, and I will spare you all the rest except to say that I thought it perfectly reasonable that I should be able to get out of the cage of my bedroom and go down to the kitchen to surprise Marc.
And surprised he was, and a rainbow of other feelings like panic, helpless, stupefied, mortified and amazed.
The last three steps were my downfall (pun intended). There was that undeniable and fateful snap that brought me back to the hospital for x-rays and the calm declaration that Yes, you just broke your good foot and now you must be fitted with a special boot to be worn always for two months.
A wonderful addition to my crutches, cane and pretty blue walker – not.
Hence why I am showing you my boot of shame. I call it the boot of shame in the same way that I call the Elizabethan collar we put on our pets when they’re injured. I am just as miserable.
Speedy Gonzales Baron-Reid needs to slow down. Ya Think?
My dear friend Dr. Darren Weissman – the originator of the Lifeline technique had been with me through this entire saga. We called him from the emergency room while the stupefied doctors listened to me yelling that they must not give me morphine until I called someone to find out if I would still be sober 27 years. I was not going to have any of THAT!
Of course I was already strung up to a bag of it while they cut me out of my jeans. My husband held the phone to my ear while Darren took me through a process I swear saved me.
I’m mentioning Dr. Weissman because he checked in on me frequently and was very stern about my needing to get off coffee, which was not helping my inflammation and leeching calcium from my bones. So my husband and I decided to go all out and confess to all of you that indeed I was drinking bone leech juice as part of my chosen recovery vice. But…But…But…it’s my only one!
Like I always say, choose a new story and repeat it often enough it will change the way you see things. I am happy to report I’m down to two mugs a day from a number I refuse to admit.
So what’s the point of me sharing all of this with you? I’m supposed to be an inspiration to all of you and so far I’m not so inspiring am I?
All joking aside, this fated accident has brought me into some of the most important soul disclosure of my life. Uncovering deep shame buried so far down in my being, and recognizing that I’ve been a puppet to an invisible script, playing a part in a narrative sleepwalking through my world is the most excruciating and liberating experience of my short life. I’m still processing all of this and I will write more about it in the next few weeks as I’m able to make sense of things but for now know that my humor isn’t about being trite or about reducing this to a sound bite. It’s my way of coping and to stay connected with you.
Prior to the accident I had already made radical plans to overhaul my offering to the world- you’ll all see the result in the fall. I quit my radio show to regroup, rebrand, re-consider my value to others. (Fear not – there will be awesome podcasts and special tele-seminars just for my tribe that we’ll have like private radio shows just for us- after I heal so stay tuned.) I had already been stripping down the public Colette, what I want to write about, what I teach, how I language things, who I’m best serving, etc.
Real transformation isn’t about being superficial. The caterpillar doesn’t just check in by choice to a fancy schmancy cocoon hotel with cable TV, her favorite sheets and leaves and soft pillows only to emerge a stunning creature that can fly. Or, perhaps a better analogy would be Spa Metamorphosis where she signs up for massages, pedicures, and exfoliation before the Butterfly extravaganza.
Nope. I’ve been compelled to this, beginning before the accident, knowing I had no choice but to change into something I wasn’t sure of but I knew a brand new version of me had something to do with it. I might have mistaken the Harley for the butterfly but who knows.
I get a kick out of some spiritual teachers who talk about energy and all you need to do is change your energy and kaboom you get to bypass the cocoon, larva and pupa stages that are messy and painful and destructive and raging and nightmarish and filled with angst and suffering, and go straight to BUTTERFLY yowza.
For me, I am in it all the way. Looking at some really cruddy ego stuff that had me prisoner even though I had no idea I was one trapped was/is essential for the changes that are foundational for evolution.
That’s the whole point I’m saying for us all. We are all in various stages of change and transformation, stripping down what doesn’t work, cleaning house, sometimes seeing our homes ripped out from under us, sometimes being under the illusion that it’s by choice that we’re evolving. Perhaps we’re already at a powerful place in the scheme of things but still we’re compelled to evolve and strip down the pieces of us that don’t serve anyone anymore–not us, not others, not nature, not culture, not Spirit.
If you’re lucky you’ll be able to ask the genie of the Universe to get you from where you are to where you want to be without struggling, self- evaluation, making amends, humility, loss and discovering things about yourself that proves you’re just a work in progress. Supersonic transformation! Let me know if you find the bottle.
I feel lucky enough to be willing to look into the dark shadows of shame and fear and find perspective not to look away and say I don’t have to deal with that energy rather just accept it, absorb it and move on. I allow the deep dive into the pain and see it as a gift in strange wrapping paper as Dr. Darren Weissman refers to it. Do I like it- heck NO! I just don’t deny it and as a result I will experience everything in the adventure and come out the victor driven by courage and compassion and at the end of the day I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So if you’re having a rough time these days looking within, wondering how the structures of your life can hold you up, seeing how the track ahead can be treacherous but knowing that miracles await if you can only get through whatever difficult terrain you’re travelling on to find the best version of YOU and your life – Hang in there.
Don’t quit before the miracle happens. It will.
I’m still in the cocoon for a bit and I’m in awe of all the goopy crap that defined me when I was a hot shot caterpillar that had to die. I’m changing, past the worst of it, learning to love the parts of me that kept me prisoner in my shame. Looking at my boot to remind me I need to learn to go slow now, for a while at least. I have no clue really what kind of butterfly I will become. I do know that I will have to be the one to break the walls of the cocoon, so my wings will be strong.
So my beautiful wonderful tribe I want you to know how much I appreciate you, how much I love you for hanging in there with me.
We’re going to be doing things a little differently once I’m better. There will be weekly video blogs, new websites, and lots of new ways for me to support you to move forward into the big vision of your life. You’ll see small changes and hints at what’s coming on Facebook and Twitter this summer bit by bit.
I’m going to be inviting you to become my tribe of invisionairies – willing to see yourselves as leaders and influencers moving forward to the best vision of you. We live in interesting and powerful times.
Let’s do this transformation dance together.
One step at a time.
Love you all.. stay tuned.
Colette Baron Reid
The InVision Project