Powerlessness, Bargaining, Surrender, and Serenity!
Updated: February 22, 2015
Dear sparkling you,
This week I found myself hanging upside down on a metaphoric roller-coaster that felt perilously like I was going to fall off at any minute. It’s been a wild emotional ride that finally seems quieter although the conditions that set it off remain the same.
You all know about my older dog Sebastian and his issues, but my other sweet little girl of 10 – Beanie, has been consistently having severe pain and seizures twice a day now for about 3 weeks.
Numerous vet appointments, distance healers, animal communicators etc. have not been able to accurately say what’s wrong and we’ve tried everything- since the episodes seem to happen around meal time, we’ve been treating her for ulcers, changing her food, giving her pain meds and holding her while she goes through the episodes which now extend past 90 minutes. Nothing has worked.
Finally a neurologist found the center of the pain at the base of her skull. They want to check for brain tumor now. An MRI and spinal tap will be the best way to determine how to help her. Because of other issues doing this procedure has serious risks for her but so does allowing this to progress without some way to help her.
Instead of my daily meditations being peaceful and all about “thy will be done for the highest good etc.” I confess 50% of the time I have been in bargaining mode. “Please make this go away and I promise I will do “x. Don’t let this be happening, don’t let her suffer or worse-die, this isn’t fair, etc.”
It’s heart breaking to see her like this. And the choice is daunting since she can’t advocate for herself. I will do anything for my dogs.
I’m conscious not to project the worst and aware the need for certainty triggers both “ it’s all bad” and “a miracle will happen” states of mind.
Chicken Little and Pollyanna vie for my attention constantly these days.
Thankfully my awareness reminds me that these will pass and to remain steady and trusting, and get out of my own way as best I can, remaining in the moment- this is the right choice.
I remember “ I can’t, God can, So I’ll let God”
Have you ever felt like that? Like the events of your life make you feel so powerless that you hang on for dear life and try bargaining with God?
The paradox of life is that two truths are accurate- “ I create my reality”, and “I must surrender to Life on Life’s terms”. I am not always privy to what the “highest good” is going to look like no matter how much I want to demand it.
Today, as I write this I admit I have no idea what the highest good is for her. I know what I want it to be but that is not up to me.
I am however immersed in the truth of the Serenity Prayer. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Today I have ceased bargaining and only focused on how to make her comfortable in the moment, surrendering to the Highest Good and allowing the discomfort of the Unknown.
I think I need a hug.
Love to all…
PS — send a prayer for the “ highest good” for Beanie.. whatever outcome is right for all as by the time you read this she will be where she needs to be and hopefully with your prayers with as much comfort as possible.