How to Recover from Overgiving!

Have you ever been an overgiver? Depleting yourself for others, allowing people to lean on you until you’re falling down, they feel great, and you need a lifetime of time-outs? 

You know, the psychic vampires who dump everything at your emotional door, then run away after they have sucked the life out of you while they are ready to take on the world? Did you feel great, important, on a mission, proud of yourself, and then crash and get a teeny bit resentful but you kept letting it happen anyway? 

As a matter of fact, not such a long time ago, I was a magnetic tractor beam for people I HAD to be there for, whose eyes were shiny pools of disdainful, scolding, needy, angry, grasping and controlling energy.

Of course, being as resilient as I am, I found the perfect solution. 

What worked? AHHA! If I can become the very best rescuer, knight in the most sparkly and shining armor (why can’t a girl be a knight.. We CAN) I will show up even more than before and never stop because I am here to be a healer and it’s my job to be there for others (even if they don’t deserve it) etc. etc.

How does that sound? 

How long did you think it worked? 

Sure, you can get high on that moment of power, because let’s face it, being needed can boost your self-esteem and worthiness, but it doesn’t last because it isn’t real and will never fill the hole inside you. And you do it again! THIS time will be different, yes?

Ah….That would be a “no.”

Yes, even with a strong spiritual practice, old patterns may still be active, especially if you’ve managed to avoid them, put them off for another day, and find a way to bake them into your identity!

Maybe you identify or know someone like this? 

One thing I have learned is that no one wins when you’re in a dance of overgiving and non-reciprocal receiving. Can we spell resentment?  

What I know is that self-awareness can come as a gift while diligent on your spiritual journey because you have an epiphany, ready to change, let go, etc., or can be like Carl Jung’s perspective: “Whatever you don’t illuminate and heal will seemingly come to you as fate.” (think scolding eyes… Name, or even why, unimportant)

All those people are not to be blamed… They came because you called them energetically. Once you genuinely know that, your recovery begins and then you need to ask yourself some important questions because over giving is an addiction and your life is unmanageable if you’re engaging in this dynamic. 

The recent eclipse was a doozy energetically and opened a portal to help us OWN  who we want to become moving forward. That means setting some non-negotiables. 

What Are YOUR Non-Negotiables?  

Isn’t that a great question? Years ago, was the first time someone asked me this and to be honest I was stumped. I prided myself on being adaptable to anything, chameleon-like, able to go with the flow etc. 

I’d have said “what are your needs? Then I can know what we’re doing, where we’re going with this etc. Little to do with my actual healthy needs and everything to do with my need to overgive to cover up a sense of deep unworthiness or as a way to feel safe avoiding an unknowable but palpable consequence lurking in the proverbial bushes.

Jeez, does this sound familiar? 

Granted, I have changed a lot. I am not the same over-available 24/7 rescuer/understander, accepting of the unacceptable, easily bullied person who would rather jump off a bridge than deal with confrontation and someone’s anger. 

It’s true, for the most part I feel worthy, good enough, proud of my accomplishments, and genuinely grateful for my life. It took hard work to get here, and yet only recently I sat down to ask “show me what I’ve been avoiding in my relationships so I can serve better and be liberated from my fear.” 

Be careful asking that question, because I got my answer so fast my head spun. 

So my non-negotiable list is pretty long so I will share a couple here: 

My first non-negotiable is I absolutely need to stay out of any codependent enmeshed demanding dynamics with anyone. Period. (other than my dogs, I really need a recovery program called ALAPUP)

I digress. 

When I know I don’t have the bandwidth I need to say NO.

When I get the red flag it means NO. You will ALWAYS get the red flag when you ask to see it. 

The second non-negotiable is my values. If my actions and choices don’t align with my values they need to change. Rigorous self-honesty is the name of the game. 

Recovery from overgiving takes a bit of time especially if you identify this as being your best personality trait. It’s not. 

What will happen is a kind of liberated inspired grounded self that you might just love to get to know. You don’t have anything to prove and you don’t have to earn love or esteem. 

It’s all there inside you where Spirit hid it in plain sight.